Thunderbird by Jon Konrath

Where the hell did this dude come from?

Just the titles are jaw-dropping: "The Long John Silver Vinegar Douche Abortion Attempt Situation," "Bearded Women Shitting on Glass Tables Is Sort of My Thing," "Vehicular Handjobs and Pirate Hooks," "Fratboy Brad and the Clamato Aquarium of Doom."

From that you should know whether this book is for you.

Each story is from a first-person perspective--the narrator being some version of the author. The effect is that this reads more like a novel, except without a plot and only one character instead of a cast of characters. Nevertheless, the result is remarkably cohesive, each story a gallon of gonzo, fever dream insanity inside of a Sizzler's buffet of obscure American cultural references.

It's hard to put my finger on why this book is so damn good, but I think part of it is the details Konrath mines. Check out the opening line to "The Manuel Noriega/Yo Yo Ma UFC Matchup": "I was playing miniature golf with Diane Keaton and Kim Jong Il in a Dubai Montgomery Ward store and we stopped to eat a sheet cake off the ass of Orson Welles, meticulously decorated by a Kroger cashier to say 'Shove it up your cunt/you are so dumb' in thick gel frosting letters."

YEEESSSSS!

Soon as I finished Thunderbird I wanted to re-read it. Instead I went out and got another collection of his short stories, Fistful of Pizza, which was every bit as good.

All Due Respect Updates

So it's been too fucking long since I last posted, but you know, I'm a busy man or something.

Anyway, go check out Steve Prusky's sharp, sad Vegas story "Willy's Complaint" and Ryan Sayles's deeply disturbing "Push, Push, Push."

And the All Due Respect team has doubled (from one to two!) with the addition of Mike Monson. Mike joined the online scene last year (I think...) and he's had a story up at the site and in the anthology. He also recently released a collection of short fiction, Criminal Love, which you should pick up.

I'll have a couple of exciting projects to announce and some reviews in the near future, so stay tuned.

Lastly but not leastly, if you're want to hone your short fiction chops, check out this class with Needle Editor Steve Weddle over at LitReactor on how to best tailor your work for editors. I don't normally plug this kind of thing, but Steve edits what I consider the best crime fiction zine out there. Not to mention that he's an excellent writer and a class act. 

Screw the Universe by Eirik Gumeny and Stephen Schwegler

A little while back I said something about how it's difficult to write funny. While that's true, Jersey Devil Press reliably produces very funny shit.

I found Danger Slater's Love Me and Eirik Gumeny's Exponential Apocalypse both hilarious, and Screw the Universe is every bit as good.

The authors say they're glad the creators of Futurama didn't sue. It does have some overlap with that excellent TV show--a group of misfits bumble around space and shenanigans ensue--but Futurama never got one tenth this weird. I wasn't even sure what exactly was happening half the time, but that didn't matter because of the absurdist humor and constant stream of dick jokes.

This is chaotic, gory, sex-filled sci-fi bizarro that moves at the speed of, you know, something fast. I burned through it on the last couple of hours of an excruciatingly long flight--I don't think there's any better way to spend your 99 cents. 

Exponential Apocalypse by Eirik Gumeny

Exponential Apocalypse is a train wreck of awesome. A cast of characters that includes a Norse god who works at a New Jersey hotel, a squirrel with telekinetic powers, and the clones of past minor American presidents and Queen Victoria. And a world that's undergone robot, zombie, werewolf apocalypses and just keeps on truckin toward inevitable death.

The first half of the novel is a collection of funny snippets in which we get to know the characters (or something). Then it morphs into every movie plot from the last twenty-odd years--insane supervillain intent on ending the world through destruction and, therefore, a ragtag team of not-quite-super heroes has to save the day.

Luckily this part is still quite original due to its sense of the absurd--and regardless of its originality it's as much fun as you can have with an electronic tablet. The final battle scene between good and evil proves to be one of the funniest parts of a very funny book.

Exponential Apocalypse is a glorious celebration of all that is weird. If you dig Andersen Prunty, Danger Slater, or Kevin Strange, then venture out into the ether for this one too.

At All Due Respect: Eddie McNamara

Man, do I have a fucking story for you.

Run, don't walk, over to All Due Respect and check out "The Days of Swine and Roses" by Eddie McNamara. What an original voice this dude has.

If you're done with that and you have like nothing else to do (loser) you can stroll over to Out of the Gutter where Ryan Sayles and I throw around juvenile humor and occasionally talk writing.

Story at Shotgun Honey

I've got one up at Shotgun Honey today, "Interview with an Asshole." And, indeed, the story delivers on its title.

I've always harbored a hatred for job interviews. Such a bunch of bullshit. This story sprung from my hatred of the question, "Why do you want to work here?"

It also features an asshole boss, perhaps my favorite stock character.

Why Free?

So some people have asked why I give my books away for free.

The answer is simple: Writing is not my job.

But this has a big payoff--I get to write whatever the hell I want. I'm not concerned about demographics or marketing or target audiences or blah blah blah. I just write stuff that I would like to read, then put it out in the world. It's cool when other people stumble upon my books and dig them too.

A couple of the anthologies I've worked on have a made few bucks to cover expenses and that kind of thing, but, at this point, I don't have any intention of making money off my writing. Not because I'm some kind of artistic purist, that's just not where I'm at right now.

Writing is not work to me. Selling my writing is work, and I don't need to do any more work than I already do.

Anyway, here's my novella, The Kind of Friends Who Murder Each Other, and a book of short stories, Watch You Drown. They're both free. 

Robamapocalypse by Kevin Strange

Sometimes you know how fucking great a book will be just from its premise. A not-too-distant future giant robot Lord Obama controls the masses through zombie ultimate fighting.

Yeah, let's do that.

I heard about this book on Chris Boyle's Bizarrocast and went out into the ether and bought it. It's every bit as enjoyable and nutty as I anticipated.

In his intro, Strange makes it clear that this is an apolitical work. And surely this is a bizarre expedition into a parallel reality that leaves politics or anything else boring*, far behind. This read like a great, old school video game--a fast, furious adventure filled with non-stop carnage.

Don't confuse this with your typical post apocalypse book that takes itself way too seriously and is all dark and brooding and crap. Robama Pocalypse just kicks ass.


* I'm a politics and government teacher, but I like to keep my politics reading and my fiction reading separate.

Mastodon Farm by Mike Kleine

Mastodon Farm is an experience.

It is about you. You are famous. Or at least you hang out with many famous people. You always listen to music when you drive your Ferrari. You like the band Vampire Weekend. You go places and do things and then go other places and do other things or the same things.

That's about it.

This book is simultaneously vague (there is no reason why you do these things, or even detailed descriptions of what you are doing) and specific (almost everything you do is linked to some pop culture material, a band, an actor, a clothing company, an author).

Each mention of one of these pop culture bits brings a flood of images and thoughts and feelings to mind, but then each one is hardly ever more then mentioned, each has no significance to it. This got me thinking that we falsely associate significance with pop culture material, when in reality these things tell us nothing about a person's (or a character's) identity. I don't know if that was Kleine's intention, but that's what I got out of it.

I also felt overwhelmed. The pure sensory experience of thinking of so many pop culture things made me exhausted, but in a strangely satisfying way.

Someone who blurbed the book said it was like watching twelve hours of TV on a Sunday. That seems apt to me--I was entertained, did nothing, then felt tired after doing it.

This is a smooth, lightning fast blaze through land of the absurd and one of the best bizarro books I've read.

A Bouquet of Bullets by Eric Beetner

Nothing goes together better than flowers and crime fiction.

I think.

Wait, that doesn't seem right.

Whatever.

Anyway, Eric Beetner's short story collection, A Bouquet of Bullets, in many ways harkens back to golden age of pulp writers. This is narrative-driven stuff flavored with cordite and regret.

I had read several of these before, such as "My Asshole Brother," "What the Dog Saw," "Countdown," and "Why Are Mommy and Daddy Fighting?", but they proved entertaining and interesting the second time around. Beetner's smooth storytelling style is a joy to read and I burned through these quickly.

He has a knack for the classic stories that would be boring in a less capable writer's hands. Two stories about that well-worn subject, the hit man's retirement--"The Last Bullet" and "Hit...Me"--proved to be some of the best in the collection. At his best, Beetner's work is moving without being sentimental.

This is particularly true of the closing story, "Without a Body, There Is No Crime." The term chilling is over-used, but if you read this story, I think you'll agree that at the end, you feel physically colder than when you started it. It's probably the most convincing "harmless teenager morphs into killer" story that I've read.

This one from Snubnose Press is a steal at only $1.99 at Amazon. 

The Kind of Friends Who Murder Each Other

I'm going to level with you: This is the best thing I've written.

It's out today. And it's free.

It's about how three friends confess crimes to each other for no reason, then become really unhinged. It's about smoking and instant coffee and terrible bosses. It's about angry assholes and mopping floors.  

The Kind of Friends Who Murder Each Other is now available here.  

Or you can pay $3 for a nice paperback from KUBOA. 

Here's what some writers I respect are saying about it:

"There are a number of writers out there who are playing with noir fiction and bending and shaping it in new ways. Think John Rector, Eric Beetner or Heath Lowrance. If they’re writers you dig, you should add Chris Rhatigan to the list. He has his own style and that comes to the fore in The Kind Of Friends Who Murder Each Other. Truth be told, I was bowled over by the end of the first chapter; from then on he just kept on hurling the balls at me and his characters until things had to end. This book is taut, strong and put together like an old classic. Don’t miss out." -- Nigel Bird, author of Smoke and In Loco Parentis

"The storytelling is in the nuance here. It strolls along with a gritty, flat-line pulse, lulling the reader with paranoid details and untrustworthy narration. Then comes the hay maker and Rhatigan owns the moment. Over and over again." -- Ryan Sayles, author of The Subtle Arts of Brutality

"The Kind Of Friends Who Murder Each Other is filled with losers, from the narrator Simon to his pals Mackey and Slade, all the way down to the bartender who no doubt enjoys Springsteen's 'Born To Run,' so much so that it plays four times before the first page is gone. The thing about these losers, though? We know each and every one of them. Some of us may even be them, in one form or fashion. And that's what makes the book hit like a sledgehammer between the eyes. Read it and weep, kids." -- Christopher Grant, Editor/Publisher of A Twist Of Noir

Five You Can't Miss: Brian Panowich

Considering I’m such a noob to the online crime fiction community, I still find myself lurking around the dark corners of the Internet trying to find the best stories out there. This column (Five You Can't Miss) has been invaluable for turning me on to some of the best writing I’ve ever seen, so I invited myself over to maybe return the favor.

1. Hatpin By Jen Conley
Ms. Conley has consistently turned out some of the best fiction on the planet, and this one over at Shotgun Honey is where my love affair with her stuff began. It’s full of hard as nails female characterization and a lesson in making every word count. Mary Mulligan is my dream girl.

http://www.shotgunhoney.net/2012/05/hatpin-by-jen-conley.html

2. Seeds By Chris Leek
Chris can throw dialogue into any situation, or timeframe, like it’s nobody’s business. From the world of a hardened black jack dealer in Pigeon, over at Grift Magazine, to trailer trash jargon like A Redheaded Woman, at The Flash Fiction Offensive, but nothing compares to the old western revenge tale Seeds, at The Big Adios. You would think Mr. Leek grew up on a mountain learning how to talk by listening to his uncles and cousins while they brewed up another batch ‘o shine. As good or better than any script Sergio Leone worked from.

http://www.thebigadios.com/2013/02/seeds-by-chris-leek.html

3. Pit Stop By Les Edgerton
I bought the first issue of Noir Nation Magazine on a whim, not knowing who Les Edgerton was. It included his story Pit Stop and I read it in a fever. It was full of matter-of-fact straight talk that bowled me over. Not once did it feel like “writing”. That shit is what I had been looking for. Lucky for me (and you) the story was an excerpt from the BEST BOOK I’ve read in years called JUST LIKE THAT. Buy it. Read it. Break something. You’re welcome.

http://www.amazon.com/Noir-Nation-International-Journal-ebook/dp/B005JTMIPW/ref=la_B000APH7SI_1_15?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1361726865&sr=1-15

4. Folded Blue By John Rector
I know this story was written in 2011, but it’s new to me, so I’m breaking the rules a bit. Sometimes a story taps into something so raw and primal that the reader has no choice but to carry it around with them forever. There’s no un-ringing the bell. It’s yours now, whether you want it or not. That’s Folded Blue by John Rector over at Shotgun Honey. It’s the literary equivalent to a layer of greasy film you can’t scrub off. It’s brilliant.

http://www.shotgunhoney.net/2011/05/folded-blue-by-john-rector.html

5. Push, Push, Push By Ryan Sayles
I’m going to catch a little grief for including Ryan on this list, considering he’s a good friend of mine, and we’ve written a few books together (SEE HERE), but you know what? Fuck ‘em. The guy can write. I’m going to bend the rules a little further by recommending a story no one has read yet except the editors who keep rejecting it. (Yes, it’s that good.) In 2011, Sayles and I both submitted some stories to an anthology that was kicking off, and we both got rejected. I asked him to send it to me, and I can see why it keeps getting turned down.

Because it’s fucking brilliant.

Sometimes the world needs time to catch up to genius, or maybe they’re just scared. The story is one huge chunk of dread that sits on your chest and squeezes the life out of you. You know what’s coming. You know you can’t stop it. And as horrific as the ending is, it had to be that way. It makes sense. The world is a fucked up place. Anyway, all you editors looking for the next greatest thing, go read Push, Push, Push by Ryan Sayles and publish it, so the rest of the whole can be in the know. You can reach him at his personal email address ryan.sayles@gmail.com or his private cell phone number 510-379-8640. Again, you’re welcome.

Who Is Killing the Great Capes of Heropa? by Andrez Bergen

Andrez Bergen is an interesting cat. His first three books, in many ways, are very different from one another. One's a classic detective fiction dystopia mash up; the next is an exploration into the nether regions of the afterlife; and his most recent, Who Is Killing the Great Capes of Heropa?, is an homage to comic books and draws from the work of Philip K. Dick.

Actually, homage isn't really what's going on here--it's almost an investigation of the assumptions comic books are based on. You see, Heropa is a futuristic virtual reality set up with super heroes, villains, and blandos (all the people who super heroes save). The world has become such a terrible place that people have totally given up on it and they journey to Heropa mentally, if not physically. Heropa is a fundamentally (and mechanically) broken place, where the super heroes and the blandos resent each other and everything seems to be falling apart.

Bergen uses this premise as a vehicle to poke at a bunch of interesting questions: What does being a super hero mean? Would a world with super heroes be better or worse? What about all those people who the super heroes "save"? Are they real people or just objects? Can virtual reality be as important as reality?

And this is what I dig about Bergen's work in general--he takes entertaining plots and characters and uses them to explore deeper issues. Yet he's never didactic or navel-gazing; he walks the tight rope expertly.

After three books, it's clear that Bergen doesn't confine himself to one genre. In fact, he prefers to mix and blend genres with gleeful abandon. Yet there is consistency. He creates some of the most wildly imaginative places you will ever encounter in fiction. He has perfect pitch for witty dialog and cultural references. And his characters are fascinating people who you'll want to hang out with.

Who Is Killing the Great Capes of Heropa? is both an entertaining and challenging read for comic book lovers and the rest of us alike.

I wrote a book

So my book, The Kind of Friends Who Murder Each Other, is now available through KUBOA Press for pre-order. The print version is only $3. There will be a free ebook available April 30.

I'm terribly excited about this. First of all, I've wanted to work with Pablo D'Stair ever since I read the ridiculously good Trevor English series, and I was thrilled when he decided to make my little novella part of KUBOA's 2013 catalogue. Second, I think this book is the best representation of my work.

It's at the intersection of bizarro and crime. It's about the arbitrary nature of, well, everything. It's about the fall from the curb to the gutter. It's about clock-watching, friendship, smoking, minimum-wage jobs, nihilism, bad coffee, generic America, and boss-hating. At the end of this book, you will have learned zero life lessons and will probably feel like shit.

Rather than summing up the plot, I'll let AJ Hayes tell you about it in perhaps the best blurb ever written, which is really more of a story in and of itself:


"It was one of those nights that Raymond Chandler talked about in the opening paragraph of Red Wind. You know those nights, the ones that make you realize you've done the same things on the same night with the same guys for what seems an eternity. The ones where even the air is thick and still and motionless. Where everything moves slow and turgid and without purpose. And you get the feeling that none of the here you inhabit is real. You get the feeling that you and those guys are like bugs in amber. That a thousand years from now you and those guys will be sitting there, at the same time, on that same night, stuck. That kind of night.

Then one of you says something. Tells you something so unexpected it sets in motion events none of you ever dreamed could happen. And that surety of sameness shatters. And the roller coaster crests the first hill and down down down you go, getting slammed every which way in the turns, feeling the world end in the drop aways and all the while, picking up a velocity that you know is as terminal as a magnum round to the forehead.

Yeah, Friends Who Murder Each Other is like that. Just like that. And it's one helluva ride."

C'mon and Do the Apocalypse by Brian Panowich and Ryan Sayles

Zelmer Pulp is putting out the kind of books that I have always assumed would gain popularity with the advent of electronic books--short, entertaining collections of novellas (or novelettes or whatever the hell you want to call them), something that the big publishing houses will never do.

C'mon and Do the Apocalypse is two zombie stories (FREE this weekend) I thoroughly enjoyed. Brian Panowich's "My Wife Dawn...and the Dead" takes a standard suburban family and plops them in the center of the apocalypse. One would assume this would lead to social critiques of suburban life and consumerism and blah blah blah, but Panowich follows a different path, instead making these everyday people flawed and likeable. Despite the ensemble cast, I found myself rooting for these characters to beat the odds. The violence is controlled and real--especially when a calloused teenager has to take out her own sister. And the ending is touching without any sentimentality... or, for that matter, hope.

Ryan Sayles brings the nasty (even for a zombie story) in "28 Days of Mutilated Zombie Whores Later." It's about Nelson who (appropriately enough...) runs a brothel of zombie whores. This is a classic zombie  blood bath complete with a bunch of unredeemable characters who probably didn't have a shred of humanity before the apocalypse. It's all good, pulpy fun--and delivers a completely disgusting, satisfying ending.

Zelmer Pulp has also released Hey, That Robot Ate My Baby, with five sci-fi stories that promise to be both mind-bending and offensive.